I was not paying for an exam, at least not an academic one, I was paying for the exam of life.

Dear mother,

I hope this finds you fine and my earnest prayer is that you remain to be fine there after.
I have been waiting for the opportune time to break the news but none had seemed good enough. I tried to yesterday as we ate supper but you mentioned your salary was late. I tried to tell you the day before, but you came home empty handed because no job was forthcoming and we had water for supper. Every time I tried to tell you, there was always something reminding me of the mistake I made. This is not the best time but I can hold it in no more.

The moment I saw the second line on the strip, I knew I had made a grave mistake. I could already see your disappointment, even feel it. I could see your face drop, a cloud of shame hovering above you like a halo. I couldn’t stand to actually see you try to cover up my shame. That’s why I have kept it away from you for this long.

Remember earlier this year when I persistently asked you for money to pay for an exam? I was not paying for an exam, at least not an academic one, I was paying for the exam of life.
I had thought over the idea for a long night. I stayed up all nights all week, trying to justify my action. However, there was a constant. Your voice cautioning me. You call it a mortal sin that is unforgivable. You say that it was murder. That’s the only hindrance that dared to hold my sanity. I knew I wanted to be many things, but being a murderer was not one of them. As I waited for my turn at the clinic in some dark alley of the city, I had a change of mind a change of heart even. I wanted to keep it. For as long as my body could hold it, I knew I did not want to be wheeled out of the clinic in a body bag. I wanted to live and if that meant living with it, then so be it.

Covid-19 pandemic happened and we were sent home with no hope of returning to school in the near future. That really disrupted my plans. I was scared of what you’d say and more so what people would say. Baggy t-shirts became a staple in my closet. I wore jackets in the shine and freeze. My fitting chiffon tops could fit no more, my tight high waist jeans could go up no more. It was a necessary change; my belly was growing and fast. How long would I hide it?

I decided to hide it as long as I could. Not even a single soul knew about it. Not even my friend next door. I avoided all interactions and only went grocery shopping when you insisted. I chose to suffer in silence. In my crown, an idea was cooking and only the finer details remained uncompleted. If there is one thing I knew with undoubted certainty is that I couldn’t afford to add an extra mouth to feed in our already choked budget. I had to come up with a way. Giving it for adoption seemed tempting enough. I wouldn’t be a killer. At least they would have a family, a better one I was sure. They’ll have a future I only would have dreamt of. Only people with fat wallets would afford an extra mouth to feed. I was being fair to them. Currently I wouldn’t provide the life they wanted but someone else would.

Mum, do you remember last month when I told you I had gotten a job as a sales person? That was it. I packed my bags and planned to leave at first light. We had spent too many nights without a meal and I wanted to help you with that. You had just lost your job at Mama Ciku’s hotel and our vegetable kibanda had been demolished a week ago. I couldn’t stay and watch you struggle to make ends meet knowing I was only creating another problem. That night, I promised you that if all went well, I’d send you a little upkeep money. Our struggles to make ends meet were just a tip of the iceberg of reasons as to why I was leaving. I wanted to give them up for adoption in a town where no one knew me, no one knew you. I wanted not to add to the weight of your yoke. I just wanted to help.

That night, I couldn’t catch sleep. I tossed and turned. How would I catch sleep knowing how much a disappointment I was to you? How could I sleep knowing I was about to give up my child? I wished that this was a bad dream and my roommate back in campus would wake me up, jolt me back to reality, but with time I had started to swallow this bitter pill that reality was. I could hear your soft snores in the next room. How I wish I could clear up the creases on your forehead. Despite the situations, you always found a way to find some good sleep. One day at a time. For me, my good days were over, insomnia had set camp in me with no intentions to move out soon. I just couldn’t sleep.

To be honest, I have contemplated suicide more times than I can count. I have thought of how I’d just slip away with the shame but then your face shows up and I am unable to go through with it. Who would I leave you with? What of all the effort you’ve put to solely put me through school to university, would I let all that go down the drain? But at least I would put an end to your misery, you would have no one to look after. The little you make could be yours and yours alone. I was letting you be selfish and I selfless. However, I was a coward. I couldn’t go through with any of my plans. I did not want the easy way out, it’s tempting facade not withstanding. I chose to fight for the simple reason I did not want to face God’s wrath for my mortal sin.

I stare up to the sacks that make up the ceiling of our tin house. I spot a spider, industriously making it’s web. It spins and yarns, tireless yet so effortless, it builds a home. A few times, it slips and yarns out of design but it never gives up, it goes back and brings back everything to place. Maybe I’ll spare this particular web as I clean tomorrow. I leave tomorrow though. To try and bring my web back to design, will it work? It has to.

I check my phone for the umpteenth time, it is 10 minutes to 3.00 am in the morning. I need to be up in the next 2 hours but sleep is not forthcoming. I give up the whole idea if sleep, it is better that way. I feel a kick in my belly, and another and yet another one. Someone is declaring there presence in me. For the first time since the test, I felt them say hi. Maybe that was their way of saying hello to mummy. For a second there, I was lost of words. Life is growing in me. I was tempted to jump with joy, shout, scream even. My baby just said hello. At this point, I experienced a complete paradigm shift. I wanted to meet this little human being. I wanted to depend on them as much as they did me. I wanted to hold them.
I was not giving them away. They are mine!

I knew I had to tell you mummy. I couldn’t hold it anymore. Life would be tough but I’d stand with my baby. All the same, I am scared. Scared of what you’ll say. Scared that I might trigger your hypertension pushing you to hospital. Scared that you will not hold the disappointment that I have made out of myself. I am scared, terrified even but I have resolved to keep it. I have made up my mind to walk through hell and back for my baby.

Dear mother, I am 7 months pregnant.
You will be a grandmother soon.

If you are still reading this mother, I am very sorry. I slipped and fell into a trap. Not even for a second did I forget the virtue you taught me of patience. It was just a span of the moment that sent me to a roller coaster of emotions. I have thought about all the possibilities to get myself out of this situation but I have settled on one. I am keeping this baby mother, come sun come rain. I want to be their mother.

I am yet to start my antenatal clinics. I can only anticipate the lectures I’ll get from the nurses at the hospital. I plan to go this Monday, early in the morning before the rumour mongers are up. In the clinic I’d love to know the gender of my baby but I have come to peace with the fact that we can’t afford the ultra sound scan. Prince or princess, they are mine.
I took a few loose coins you left on the table for my lunch and plan on using them as my transport fare.
Mum, I am sorry.

It is my prayer that mum you understand.

Your loving daughter.

****

Hello your royal highnesses🤴👸

Long time no see, but I am now back and definitely better. Tuesdays will be time to get yourself a good read and a good time, better be ready🤣🥳.

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Yours only,

Faith 💕