Thursday the 28^th day of April of 2016 was the day reality struck. That was the day I blamed the English men for inventing the phrase “I am fine.” The day I understood why smiling was doing the world its greatest injustice. She was gone. Gone! Never to be seen again. Her saying she was fine was all I could remember; her radiant smile, her white teeth showing. I remember teasing her about the gap between her incisors. When did the rain start beating my friend? When did the smile fade away? I wish to remember her differently but my memories of her got tainted on that day. She left me with a part of her that forever replaced the moments of happiness and joy that we shared.

On the evening of that Thursday, I received a text from a friend.

Ann just committed suicide

That was all it read. At first I thought the Ann being referred to was not the one I knew. That may be it was someone else because I could not imagine Ann, my friend, doing such a thing leave alone even thinking about it. Then a call from her sister confirmed all my fears. Ann had actually committed suicide; she had hanged herself in her room. Ann was DEAD! Ann was gone. Behind, she left a note which in part read;

“I ask for your forgiveness, understanding and wish that peace be with your hearts. I will understand if you never find it in you to forgive me…

By the time you read this I’ll be gone, I’ll be resting in peace finally.

I know you cared and still do and I know this will be the most hurting thing, it’s selfish of me, that I know. I know you will say I ought to have sought for help. I tried to but nobody noticed that I was. I know you cared and still do but my heart was not receptive. I will forever be indebted to you for that but I just can’t take it no more. I have to go. I just have to go…

I choose this to be my last black day…”

I read this over and over again but nothing in it gave me enough reason to why she decided to end her life. I still did not get the reason why Ann chose to leave so soon. What of the dreams she shared with me of being an engineer? She was right that I will never find it in me to forgive her; I have tried but there is some missing link on why she did it. As her friend I felt betrayed. Why didn’t she tell me what was going on. Why didn’t she mention that something was pushing her to the wall? Why did she go through the mentioned black days alone? Was I that bad a friend? Did I miss anything? Did I misinterpret her sadness?

On Sunday, the 13^th of April 2019, a sixth year medical student at Kenyatta University committed suicide joining the growing list of students who have committed suicide in this year alone.  Someone committing suicide is no longer news. The story line has now become cliché. Actually, it is now out of the ordinary if no suicide case is reported in the local diaries for a week. Just imagine the number of cases that go unreported daily; the number of people, who like Ann, are going through hell but will always  smile and lastly opt for what seems to be the easiest way out.

According to the World Health Organization, suicide is the second leading cause of death among 15-29 year-olds. Another report by the same organization released last year revealed that someone dies every 40 seconds in the world due to suicide and the majority of the victims are the youths.  WHO now concludes that suicide is a global epidemic and there is therefore need for effective and evidence based intervention at the population level and family and individual level.

Every time after a suicide case, we, more often than not, will always have an alternative to give. We’ll be the first to say they could have gotten help had they spoken out; that suicide is not the solution and never will be. This, you can trust me is a phrase that even that person who has committed suicide has heard. To quite a majority of people, suicide is an option and the best for that matter. One, two, too many people are taking their own lives. They are choosing what seems to be the easiest way out. Is it that we are to blame? Are we responsible?

Every time April approaches, the memories of Ann flood my mind; more than they do daily, memories I wish not to cherish because with them comes grief, sadness, sorrow and guilt. That maybe had I questioned her sadness, this story would have taken a different cause. That may be had I been more observative, we would share the crazy campus moments together. Tell stories about the hot guys in campus, our crushes and even plan our weddings. The more I think about it the more I feel that I actually, in a way, killed Ann. They say time heals but I tend to disagree. Three years have passed and the guilt is as bad as it can get. However, I learnt a critical lesson and out of it there is something I wish to bring to your attention.

The bitter truth has to be said and I am sorry if this doesn’t sit well with you. We are responsible for the many lives being taken away, for the many failed attempts of suicide. You may try to deny it, get all defensive but it’s the truth. You are wondering how, right? I am getting to that right away but before then I wish to retain your company as we step out of our shoes and for a moment fit in their shoes. They might be a shoe size larger but it is only after fitting in them that we will see the fault and have the shoes repaired and be able to take this walk of life with a different view of the scorching afternoon sun. It’s needed to dry the soaked soils of our land. Soil soaked with tears of loss.

At this point I would love to introduce you to someone who has changed hearts and I mean literally. Kevin Heins had just had enough and had made up his mind. The black days were just unending and he was desperately looking for light regardless of how dim it would be. He had chosen that day to be his last black day. He chose the Golden Gate Bridge as the point where he wanted to spend his last black moments. This bridge is a magnificent work of architecture, a wonder of the world but at the point, to him, it was the way out. He boarded a bus and as he sat on the bus seat, he wished someone would see through his tears and ask him why he was crying. That someone would at least ask him if everything was okay but this never happened. He was desperately hoping for someone to give him a listening ear but sadly this did not happen. This was the last confirmation he needed. He was done and nobody cared. He was alone and he had to let go of the rail. He alighted the bus, a determined person, the darkness and loneliness too much to bear but something changed…https://youtu.be/loiGNZTfu6g

What would you do if you saw someone crying in the bus in the morning on your way to school? I bet you would mind your own business and conclude that he would find a way to solve his own troubles sooner. You would continue reading the news update on your phone about someone who committed suicide and you’ll be thinking about depression being such a killer. Later in the day, you hear of a story about a boy who committed suicide by lying on the road and being ran over by cars. This may not strike you at first. But a detail emerges that the said boy took a bus that morning from his home. The same bus you were in, you saw him take his last ride. You saw him cry and did nothing about it. You’ll free sorry but guilty as well. You’ll feel in a way responsible.

Depression is a medical illness that can be treated and is always linked with mental illness. Mental illness is a condition that is surrounded with stigma, the greatest barrier in its treatment.

“The word depressed is spoken phonetically as deep-rest. We can view depression not as a mental illness but on a deeper level, as a profound (and very misunderstood) state of deep rest, entered into when we are completly exhausted by the weight of our own identity.”

Jeff Foster

Being tagged depressed is therefore something that many tend to avoid at all cost. Believe me when I say being referred to as the depressed one is a pathetic feeling; a feeling that makes one feeling miserable, hopeless and helpless. Everyone goes to them with their piece of advice, everyone with their own version of what the problem might be and the solution. But that is not what they want. That is not what they are looking for. And do you know what they end up doing? They’ll hide it all behind a smile, behind an “I am fine” but they cry themselves to sleep daily. They look up to the skies wishing for a listening ear to hear them out. They want someone to listen to them; someone to just listen without an interjection, someone to listen without saying everything will be okay, someone to hear their side of the story. A listening ear is what they want.

A listening ear is what Ann wanted but I was too busy telling her about the many guys I liked, the many dresses I wanted to buy, the many new friends I wanted her to meet, and the many shows we would attend. I did not notice her withdrawing from me. The many cancelled meetings suddenly made sense. The many messages that went without a reply, the many notes she hid in her cabinet that I was not allowed touching leave alone read. The red flags were everywhere but I was blinded by her fake smile, her fake joyful self. I did not see her plea for me to ask if something was bothering her.  I neglected her and this together with other factors may have pushed her to the wall, given her an ultimatum, and left her with no choice.

My friends it is high time we opened our eyes wide and saw behind the smiles. High time we learnt how to listen. The reasons may not make sense, they might appear childish but to someone else they are enough reason for them to take their lives away. Ask a friend if they have suicidal thoughts. Look them straight into their eyes and tell them you’ll listen. You don’t have to have the solution, just hear them out. Let them know at least someone understands what they are going through. Let this be the first step in the healing process. We don’t have to lose someone else to suicide as we watch. Do not condemn them for being suicidal; talk them out of it in a loving way, in a way that shows you understand. And this will be the pivotal point in their lives, and you’ll be fulcrum. Friends, let us be the light in their darkness, the quiet in their noise, their calm in the storm, their white in black. Let us give them the light and spare them the search.

Within light there is darkness,
but do not try to understand that darkness.
Within darkness there is light,
but do not look for that light.
Shi-Tou’s poem on the Ying Yang symbol

It is with much humility that I ask of you today to save a life. To join the movement and help someone who is having black days; to be the white spot in their black canvas. Let no one become a bitter memory, let their candle never go off, at least not as we watch. Friends, the worst feeling is when someone you know becomes someone you knew and the saddest bit is when you saw it coming. We can do something; we can save lives.

A listening ear is what they want, are you willing to listen and save a life?

The bravest thing you can ever do is continuing to live when you wanted to die.

#teamIcansavealife.

#Iwilllisten